Welcome to Tenacious Poets! This is the first issue of our poetry zine, read it online or download below.
Tenacious Poets
Issue One
Featuring poems by Autumnalis Galerina and Acklum Harwood
Colours
Freak
Outreach
I will not pretend to be
Sustanon 250
You Stole My Future
Sand
(trans)
Bedsit
transition
Green
Nice to meet you, Autumnalis
Cover art © Acklum Harwood 2025
Acklum HARWOOD
Colours
a clear sky in spring
cherry blossom
plum blossom
your hands, raw from dish soap
forget-me-nots
Autumnalis Galerina
Freak
I’m 20
after transferring to University of Oregon
I'm alone in a new city
in a condo
staying with some dude who says he can cast forcefields with his mind
and he thinks I'm weird
Dude's right
I eat all his pot cookies
walk right into his room and take them because I can
Dude is big but I'm more unstable
he only yells a little bit
I love chugging dextromethorphan-heavy cough syrup
I'm spending all my money on weed
booze
caffeine
and cigarettes
chain-smoking in my room
Pump my stereo as high as I can
not to irritate the neighbors
I just like it loud 'cause I'm manic
Yeah
I’m not making a lot of friends and my grades are a mix of A’s and F’s
depending on my interest in the subject
Here’s where things get blurry
I start seeing a therapist because someone suggests to me that I'm unwell
I think they're right
My social life is gone and all that's left is drugs and video games
getting fucked up into the night as I play as a Spy in Team Fortress 2
But yeah I’m losing my focus
my mental health isn’t great so I have difficulties
stick with me
please
I’ve never talked about this before and I guess it’s just
time
But yeah
therapist figures out that the SSRI I'm on is triggering my manic episodes
takes me off of the antidepressant I don’t remember
and puts me on:
ativan
clonazepam
gabapentin
and xanax
I am so calm
I quit drinking and start smoking only a tiny bit of weed for shits and giggles
but am no longer depending on it to relax
I get the hint that I am no longer welcome at my current condo via a stern letter
find a place on Craigslist for cheap on the other side of town
Near WinCo
I meet my new roommates:
Linda's Mom: forgot her name even though I spent a year living with her
Linda: a leathery-faced woman as ugly as she is deaf
she yells to speak and I yell for her to hear
Jimmy: a recently released felon on parole who looks exactly like Ray Liotta
All three seem mellow and they don’t mind that I chain smoke
because so do they
score
I move into a clean spacious room and begin spending too much time
alone on the internet
I’m getting all A’s now
Taking a Philosophy of Politics class
a Greek Tragedy class
and a History of Latin America block
Oh yeah
the therapy
I start talking to my therapist about transitioning into a woman
yeah
I know
I know
hot issue
but that’s not what this is about dude
anyways
I’d been taking hormones that I’d gotten on the internet
doctor tells me to stop taking them and I listen
she says I have to live a year as a woman before I can transition officially
I look nothing like a woman
have a hairline that’s pretty high already
Hormones might’ve helped with that
but she insists I live and dress as a woman
and I do
I try my hand at makeup
buy an all new wardrobe
start dieting
get called "freak"
a lot
have bottles thrown at my head
lose all my friends
lose my job because Wal Mart does NOT approve of my choice
etc.
Yeah
things go poorly
My roommates are supportive
Linda says she’s gonna dye her hair pink and walk around campus with me
she’s hilarious
can’t hear a word of what I’m saying but she’s so sweet
She cooks me meals
so does her mom
They’re pretty good!
I’m running out of money so it’s helpful
Linda only eats soft food because
as she tells me
she used to do a buttload of meth
opens up to me about being abused by her meth-dealing ex husband
he used to choke her so hard she couldn’t scream
she was so strung out she didn’t mind
I cry for her
we hug
She seems to think I’m “just gay”
which isn’t accurate
I explain to her that I’m attracted to both men and women but I identify as a woman but-
What?!
Oh
nevermind
Sleep well sweety
Shaking my head I go back to my studies
eat the meal of mashed potatoes she’s served
Jimmy’s looking pale and tells me he’s been selling his plasma
every Goddamn day
dude
that doesn’t sound…
oh well
he’s nice
He watches out for me when I walk to the convenience store to buy Camel 99’s
so long as I buy his rolling tobacco
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Jimmy and Linda start getting into loud verbal arguments
Linda shrieks while Jimmy tries to calm her down
she can’t hear so she goes as loud as she possibly can
until her voice is hoarse
I’m sitting with Linda’s Mom
Linda
and Jimmy
playing dice
Stoned out of my gourd
I'm having a great time
Linda’s Mom is cheating to win
she has a gambling problem
we’re all fine with this outlet for her
Linda’s mom asks me for a pot cookie
I give her one
she loves weed
During the game she has a beer
and a pill from Linda
opiate for sure
Linda’s Mom drinks another beer
starts gurgling her words and rolling her eyes
she pisses herself
dripping all over the floor
Linda starts screaming at me
for giving her a pot cookie
She gets aggressive
I run to my room and sit in front of the door while Linda bangs on it
screaming at the top of her lungs
I'm crying and I’m scared
I thought she was my friend
The next day they're both fine
They apologize
I’m like:
It's okay
Months go by
I've been keeping my transition a secret
dressing as a man when my parents are around
they get weird vibes
ask me a bunch of questions
noticing the more decrepit appearance of my roommates
who I think are back on meth
My parents express that they are skeptical of their investment in my education
I'm trying to get better!
taking the meds the doctor gave me
After their visit
they leave with narrowed eyes
Jimmy offers me a line and I turn it down because
as I tell him
I don’t want my face to melt dude
One day
he gives me a hand-rolled cigarette
that gets me so wired and happy
I stay up for almost 24 hours
Now I know they’re on meth again
even after Linda had bragged about years of sobriety
A brief confrontation ends in her rage
and Jimmy disappears
replaced by Linda’s meth-dealing ex-husband
I ask her about this turn of events
more screaming
No
you can’t get a lock for your door
Another gentlemen starts to appear around the house
Mike
a bald pale man who has just gotten out of prison
Linda says he's bad news
he’s only here because she can’t get him to leave
but he’s nice to me
buys me weed
We hang out one night
he tells me he’ll get me an Assassin’s Creed style knife
for my hoodie with the long sleeves
He insists I have a beer
gives me a pill
I get dizzy
and Linda gets mad
tells me to go to my room and sleep
I wake up with a sore ass
bleeding a bit
shit out semen
After a bit of rest
I go to the kitchen
find a bloody knife in the kitchen drawer with my name on it
Linda tells me to not touch it
She grabs a glove
I never see the knife again
Mike returns on meth
he’s covered in cuts from blackberries
and a few wounds from the knife of a Native individual
or so he says
He gives me some weird weed
it’s black
it gets me really high
that’s all I recall of that night
Stuff starts disappearing
my guitar for instance
The utility bill gets higher and higher
according to them
but they won’t show me
When I suggest it’s unfair
more screaming and a suggestion that I should figure out how to live on the street
My parents have an idea things aren’t going well
I don’t call
I hang up when they do
Linda lets a couple move into the garage
they’re on heroin
need some time to recover
Bullshit
she’s selling them meth
and her "friend" comes over a lot
leaving both couples I live with
intoxicated
At my therapists urging
I tell my parents I’m transitioning
reach out for help to move out
I explain that the situation with my roommates isn’t going ideally
and ask for them to renew my loans
like we’d discussed
I get told that I’ll have to find my own funding
Given that my father makes well over the amount to be approved for financial aid
I’m fucked
I explain this to my roommates
A lot of screaming
Linda's "friend" comes over
playing country music as loud as she possibly can while I try to study
Even though I have no money to continue with school
I still try
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I have enough money to get through until the end of the term
I stop getting free meals from my roommates
leaving me with nothing to eat
Out of pity
they give me a box of expired corn flakes
it lasts me two weeks
I run out of money entirely
beg my parents for enough money to get my prescriptions
it was like $15
they tell me I’m not Bipolar II and I don’t need medicine
oh
cool
I look in the mirror
a pale feminine man stands in front of me
gaunt from not eating
wearing a slightly see-through shirt
I fail all of my classes
after briefly getting all A’s
You'd think one of my professor's would've reached out
but nah
it's a big school
A quick phone call to my parents
and my cousin Rusty is going to pick me up
to take me back to their home
While I'm waiting
I walk to the store and grab some cold medicine
chug it as I walk past the bus stop
A man who looks like I do now
rides up to me on a bike
tells me he used to cross-dress too
but then he got old.
Acklum HARWOOD
Outreach: The Etymological Diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria
Wait –
he says that
my kind, my kin
are difficult
to carry.
We are a sickness,
a particular sort
of smooth unhandled
amphora
whose pouring
brings forth
impatience
under affliction.
We are a burden,
and we bear it badly.
It is difficult
to carry on.
He says that
we should wait.
Autumnalis Galerina
I will not pretend to be
this mockery
behind those pupils
screaming
instead
I look out the window
on the pane
no reflection
invisible in
the sun.
Acklum HARWOOD
Sustanon 250
The day’s white contrails
are pink scaled dragons by dusk.
Smoke and mirrors.
Vapour expands…
Six months in, their voice is deeper
they are firmer, more solid.
They offer a chance, a lifeline
in a syringe.
Empty space between atoms
fills up with tension enough
to hold together the ghost
squeaking childlike questions:
How? When? Why?
I fear what I want
to become.
So I run…
Earth’s blood roars as it burns,
eyes water at smoky air.
Fallen mist makes crystals
form beneath moving feet.
Certainty slides away...
Autumnalis Galerina
You Stole My Future
Hey ma
Hey dad
I need to tell you
some stuff
I've tried
but I can't forgive you
When I came out to you
as being transgender
you cut off my loans for college
forcing me into a situation
where I'd have to live with you
or be homeless
...should've been a hobo
I struggled to find work
being queer in a small
conservative town
You forced me to
detransition
The local doctors
wouldn't fill my prescription
or give me my
mood stabilizers
so I went nuts
not to piss you off
just because
that's what happens
I went back into the closet
told people I was
"just gay"
whatever that means
I had nowhere to go
no means of support
and no insurance
Thanks for that
Eventually
I passed as straight
working shitty jobs
using my body to move heavy objects
made me look more like a man
my hair started thinning
I gave up hope
started drinking
did more drugs than most people
I had no options
because you had no
compassion
Your religion
tells you to love one another
why is that
so hard?
I get it
I get it
I'm an abomination
because the Bible tells you so
Don't you see
those two ideas
from the same book
are conflicting?
I do
I'm done
wasting my time
because you're stuck in the past
Thank God
insurance covers
everything now
It's been 13 years
since I last tried
but damn't
I'm done with this lie
I can be me
finally.
Acklum HARWOOD
Sand
On tracks we chatter towards the coast.
I spy grey skies
over a field of grazing donkeys.
Later today the sun will shine,
the donkeys will wear their brightest bridles
and carry our children along the beach.
Currents pull at my legs as I walk,
I’m torn between the land and sea,
caught up in the swell of other oceans.
My grandmother holds the hand of a child
who looks like me if I were a girl.
My grandad teaches his grandson
to dance the hornpipe, and laughing
we jig through the surf together.
The waves jump over us all until
we forget who we are supposed to be.
For weeks afterwards we will find
sand in our shoes and break over it
with a roar and a whisper.
Autumnalis Galerina
(trans)
In the dream, I have a child
five years old
and he has a crush
she looks
just like you, mom
but smaller
Before I ask, he tells me why
she's different
like you
tiny hands
tethered
she flashes her missing tooth
A kiss on his cheek,
I close the classroom door
and wave
Like you,
like you,
like you...
light
nicotine?
Nicotine
just
a dream
and all I can come up with is
I woke up crying...
Acklum HARWOOD
Bedsit
Bedsit with kitchenette,
fridge and freezer.
Two white rectangles
hum white noise
an unused bulb hangs bare
from the white ceiling.
Three cheap Ikea lamps
four walls, one door
a carpet, once pink
laid years before I moved in.
Wrap up fragile things
in nicotine
fill white plastic boxes
with blue feathers and smoke.
Autumnalis Galerina
transition
I, I, I
just saw my eyes
surprise, surprise, no lies
she's warm, she's kind, she's deep, deep inside
and I cry
oh I cry
at the slightest thing, lashes like
angel's wings
flying towards
the sun
Reality rises
disguising hope in my head
dead to the world, maps unfurled, I'm bleeding dread
Oh, it's been a lifetime of torturing my brain, trying to stop going insane, I’m dying, oh dying to stain the page
with my eternal name
Born in an age where it's strange to change, existing to persist, I resist
Why?
Why won't I die?
Stubborn, stubborn to my core...butter for the ears to hear you say
You look pretty today
I, I, I
just saw my eyes
surprise, surprise, no lies
she's warm, she's kind, she's deep, deep inside
and I cry
oh I cry
at the slightest thing, lashes like
angel's wings
flying towards
the sun.
Acklum HARWOOD
Green
Green from a distance
up close can’t hide
he has grey skies in his eyes
black holes at the centre
of golden suns.
Where did the daylight go?
We used to have fun, didn’t we?
Back when I didn’t know
who I was
the world was growing
green.
Autumnalis Galerina
Nice to meet you, Autumnalis
Breathe in
Breathe out
the wet, mineral smell of rain
liquid life dribbles
from a half-cloudy sky
Blinding
grey
almost a sunny day
My eyes
leak
just gonna
focus on the road
maybe
tell a joke
but inside
I am glowing-glowing-glowing-over-flowing-with-light-finally-finally-finally-feel-right-for-the-very-first-time-of-my-life-
Autumnalis Galerina
Autumnalis Galerina writes from Oregon, USA, she is the editor of the Tenacious Poets ezine.
Acklum Harwood
Acklum is from the North East of England. He is website admin for Tenacious Poets and posts for the Tenacious Poets tumblr blog.
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